Battleship

Rating: **

Has there ever been a movie more likely to be doomed to creative folly? Not since producers at Disney ludicrously suggested that their theme park ride “Pirates of the Caribbean” would make a great basis for a film, has the twin demons of brand recognition and built-in fanbase been so egregiously exploited. Although I’m hardly comparing Battleship to Curse of the Black Pearl, both films yield some unexpected results. In this instance, the result is that Battleship, as pure popcorn entertainment, isn’t a complete waste of your time.

What’s interesting is that director Peter Berg is really working his butt off to channel Michael Bay, but naturally being Berg he can’t out-do the master. Nobody’s going to confuse Bay’s Transformers films with high art, nor will they with Berg’s Battleship for that matter. But in the case of the Battleship, I see a bizarre attempt to make something more than a by-the-numbers sci-fi action epic. In much the same way as Berg’s Hancock, a nearly post-modern take at Superman and the hero myth, it seems that half a good idea is better than no idea at all.

Still, we must confront the notion that this film is based on a board game, and I would say you can tell by the woodenness of the actors involved, but the actual game was made out of plastic. The somewhat pathetic excuse for an emotional through line involves Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), a man so gifted at the art of screwing up he’s about to be washed out of the navy despite having high aptitudes, an important position on his ship as chief weapons officer, and, as we learn later, he’s improbably one of the highest-ranking officers on his boat.

The entire set-up for the film is inane and predictable. Hopper is a malcontent, a rascal. He’s incorrigible and his older brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård), a navy captain with a bright and accomplished future, is always yelling at him to straighten up and fly right (as it were). Alex wants to marry Sam, but her father (Liam Neeson) is a powerful naval admiral who’s about as likely to give his approval as he is to confuse a destroyer with a submarine. Alex is a hot head that needs a lesson in humility, a rebel without a cause, a slacker looking for a reason… Naturally, he’s the only man that can save us when evil aliens come a calling.

But in all seriousness, if Berg had shaved the first hour and gotten right into the fighting, I think people might be more willing to give Battleship a pass. Nods to the game are incorporated in surprisingly inventive ways: the alien’s mortar fire resembles the game’s plastic pegs, and one of the key action scenes involves Hopper’s ship using tsunami warning buoys to form a grid pattern so that they can hunt the alien ships at night.

I also like how Berg has a genuine appreciate for military people in uniform beyond their being puppeteered for cool action sequences. One of the heroes is a veteran, a double amputee whose physiotherapist is Sam, and the film’s climax – without getting into spoilers- involves World War II vets fighting alongside the young pups to deal the aliens a final, crushing blow. The whole movie thinks that it’s going to break out of its cocoon of mediocrity to become something rather unique, but for whatever reason it just can’t seem to get there.

But for all the innovation Berg attempts to bring to the story, the film is horribly anchored (pun intended) by the usual action movie tropes like the arrogant man-child hero, the doting girlfriend, the loyal best friend, and the terse but well-meaning mentor figure. The motivation of the aliens is never explained, which is a mixed blessing, but then again the whole plot is centred around aliens parking their small fleet off shore near Hawaii so that they can access a satellite array to call in their larger armada. “Sure, we can span the universe in our powerful ships, but can we borrow your phone?”

But for better or for worse, the movie will be judged by the fact that it’s based on a board game, and unlike that previously referenced Pirate movie, the end result does nothing to make the audience believe that the people behind it care. When they talk about bland studio product, Battleship is the next best example, and it’s all the more frustrating given what Berg & Co. seem to want to do with the damn thing. Hopefully the movies based on Ouija and Monopoly will bear sweeter fruit.